One of the most important steps on our way to self-love is to open ourselves to the idea that we are perfect. Perfectly imperfect, exactly as we are.
Look at who you are. Look at who you wish you were.
If you are a tomboyish kind of girl, be that. Don't waste energy on trying to be girly. Not only will it be tiring to you and add to your feeling of "not being right", you will be perceived by others as insecure or "off". Only by being who you are, you radiate in such a wonderful way, that others will find you "interesting, captivating and confident." Without any effort on your side.
Should you be on the lookout for a boyfriend, or new friends, this is extremely important too. You can only find the right people who will love you for being you, when you ARE you.
Of course that requires some kind of self awareness. Become honest with yourself. Maybe you admire a beautiful, outgoing girl in your school. And you would love to be like her. But are you? Do you think you could if you were skinnier? Chances are you wouldn't. Girls who are like her are like that, no matter what size they are. Maybe you are a little introvert. Don't force yourself to be different. Accept who you are. The world needs bold and quiet people. Maybe this bubbly girl is not such a good artist, writer or listener as you are.
Find things you are really good at. Focus on those traits. Once you find one, you will discover more. Are you a good friend? Talk about it, write about it, be it.
At some point you will not even feel the need to compare yourself to others anymore. That's when you love yourself. And accept others for who they are. No more judgement.
How to find the right partner? First, find out what you really want. If you like red, don't go for blue. It's up to you! :)
There is love and there is passion. Best case, you have both in a relationship. Worst case, there is only passion. And only love can be pretty boring too… That a guy likes to have sex with you, doesn’t tell you anything. Except that he likes to have sex with you. You might think of your body being wobbly, fat and unattractive. And you think he must be really into you, if he likes to have sex with you. But it could also be that he gets turned on by big bums and is simply into chubby girls.
Of course it is great to have a sexual experience with somebody who absolutely loves your body. But that is nothing compared to a sexual experience with somebody who loves your soul too. How can you differentiate? Like everybody else:
- Is he caring?
- Does he treat you in a loving and friendly way?
- Is he a good friend?
- Does he listen?
- Is he there for you when you need him?
- Does he make you feel good?
- Do you have things in common?
- Did he introduce you to his friends?
If you can tick most of the boxes, it’s looking good!
And what if he tells you he loves you but wants you to lose weight?
Unless you are not ill and he is seriously worried about your health, send him into hyperspace!
Look, that is not real love. Just think of it the other way round: If you like a quiet, sensitive man, why would you be with a loud and outgoing guy? And wish for him to be different? That doesn’t make sense. First find out what you want and what you need in a relationship. Be honest with yourself. If you are open to love, you will find a loving partner. One who loves you not because you are big, not despite you being big, but because of you.
Some of you might be single. In fact, many beautiful men and women are single. For many different reasons. In your case, it's a no brainer - it's because you're big (= un-loveable). But in reality it might have more to do with not loving yourself. Being afraid of rejection, being hurt. Afraid of getting really close to somebody. As soon as you become your best friend however (and your most loving lover), you will attract people into your life who reflect that. You can have a great, loving relationship too. But you have to love yourself first.
Everything else is a struggle. For you and for your partner.
Imagine your boyfriend tells you how beautiful he thinks you are. You think he must be kidding, must be blind. You might not let him touch you, because you feel so insecure. You are under permanent inner stress, because you fear you are not good enough and could lose him. If he wants to go out with his friends, you are afraid he could find somebody better (because you are not worthy of his love). You might try to control and manipulate. Jealousy, stress and tension builds up and he might soon have enough. "See, he didn't love me!" you cry. But he did. You just couldn't believe it. You didn't love yourself. Start with loving yourself first.
Watch this video. And you will see that if you have no boyfriend, you don't need one
right now. And as soon as you love and appreciate yourself, you will attract someone who loves you too. And that time round, you can actually believe it. ;)
Byron Katie and some cute girl are discussing self-love
In the early 90s I got a book as a present, “Domenicas Kopfkissenbuch" (Domenica’s pillowbook). Domenica was a famous German prostitute in Hamburg, where I lived. She became an activist who campaigned for the legalization of prostitution. In this book she talked about why men go to prostitutes and what “normal” girls and women could do to spice up their sex life at home. One chapter touched on body issues and being big. It changed my (sex) life. She basically said that if you get intimate with somebody, he already noticed your big bum and thighs and is probably looking forward to squeezing them. If you could just get over yourself and offer what you have to offer, instead of trying to find a position where you look the least big and squeeze your tummy in, you and your partner could have really great fun.
So go on, say "f*** it, I’m going to enjoy this now!” and let go. Close your eyes and don't care about your position or showing your bum. Switch your brain off and be in the moment. Fake confidence! I promise you, boys find confident girls sexy.
Don't think only because you don’t like big girls and hate your wobbly bits, the boy you are with should or does only “tolerate” your body. Some men prefer big girls, believe it or not! They like to squeeze and squash chunky tummies and bums, they love to see big thighs! There are good looking, intelligent, loving, caring, charismatic boys out there, who happen to prefer big girls! Or they don’t, but they simply don’t care because they fall in love with women’s inner beauty. Do you love his imperfections? Are you not into long hair but on him it's kind of cute? Do you hate feet but his are an exception? That's what love does to us. It makes us blind (to superficial things). It's so pure, it only cares for the soul, and everything else doesn't matter. That is the kind of love we all seek. That's the kind of lover you should look out for.
Don't go for the first guy who shows interest! You can pick and choose just like everybody else. If a guy tells you that you are too big, if he asks you to loose weight or makes you feel insecure about yourself, he is not good for you. Don't tolerate men who treat you anything less than a princess!
Do you know how it feels when you feel disgusted by your own body? It is as if it’s not a part of you. All the anger, fear, hate and pain you feel inside, you project onto your body. Onto being big and you call yourself disgusting, fat, useless, worthless, ugly, horrible and stupid.
I remember having fantasies about cutting fat off my tummy and hips with scissors.
I am not the only one, many girls and women feel like that. And you might be shocked or one of them.
there is a way out!
For the longest time I can remember I was obsessed with losing weight. I tried every diet on the planet. I found a diary from when I was 13 and I thought the boy I fancied would never like me because I was “so fat”. That was when I started my first real diet, one of hundreds that never had any effect other than me obsessing more and more about food and my body, losing some weight and gaining even more after.
I had my first real boyfriend when I was 17 and during that time it all calmed down a little, mainly because he loved me like I was. My body was still an issue for me, but dealing with family issues, finally living on my own and finding a career etc. took center stage at that time. It really started getting bad about 4 years later, when we split up. He had a new girlfriend and I couldn’t get over it for a long time. I found the reason very quickly – of course I wasn’t loveable. Certain childhood issues like feeling abandoned and not feeling loved/right got initiated. That’s probably when the self hate started to become really obvious and obsessing over my body and losing weight became the center point of my life.
I had always heaps of really good friends. And I felt accepted. I was popular, a good friend, intelligent, had a “pretty face”. I was funny, entertaining, a good listener, communicator, writer, saw a challenge and went for it. My confidence was good. But I almost felt as if I consist of my head only, I had no connection with my body. I avoided the mirror at all costs, that way I could keep up that kind of confidence.
I knew other big girls. All of them struggled with their weight and had insecurities. But nobody hated their body like I did. For a long time I thought I was the only one. I could not understand how you could be a big girl and still love your body. Some of them were my best friends and I loved them dearly. But I could not get it into my head that somebody could love me
, being so disgusting and fat and ugly.
The insecurity about my body always held me back. I was invited to a party, tried on 100 things, saw myself fat as a balloon and held hate speeches in my head about how ugly, fat and horrible I looked. I spiraled into such bad mood and deep sadness that I ended up not going. I never went to the beach or swimming pool. I didn’t allow many boys to get close, out of fear they would want to see and feel me naked one day. I had some short-ish relationships, it never worked out. I could not accept that anybody would love me like I was, and of course that always killed it. Strange world I stuck in.
There is definitely a way out, I know because I am out of it. It didn't help that everybody said I was beautiful, I couldn't see it. Here are some of the things that helped:
- I learned to change my view on what's really important in life.
- I had to look at my childhood issues and accept who I am.
- Knowing that there were others who felt the same.
- I stopped reading women's magazines.
- Sitting in a cafe looking at women passing by, realising that most of us are "imperfect".
- Looking at pictures of other big girls frequently.
- Having sex with men who prefer big girls.
I eventually learned to love myself and accept my body.
just get out