I gained weight – and lost – and gained…

2012 was a year of change. I left a 7-year dead-end relationship and entered a 2-year on-and-off one, that caused a complete meltdown. During the first year I lost 80 lbs. Everybody complimented me on my weight loss. Well - yes, I lost weight. But I also went through the worst depression of my life, which everybody seemed to ignore. "At least you look so much better now that you lost weight, you must feel wonderful!" Ironically, I started loving myself as I was, so I didn't feel the need to lose more weight. It just continued because I couldn't eat anything for a while and my relation to food completely changed. I didn't notice any hunger during the day until I got stomach ache (that could be 4pm) And then I ate what I wanted. And I stopped when I was full. I continued to lose more and more weight and my skin started sagging. Upper arms, tummy, boobs, even my face lost shape. Of course I didn't want to go back to unhealthy eating habits of the past, but I didn't want to lose more weight either. Thankfully I managed to establish a routine and it leveled out. I gained about 20 lbs back. For the most part I consider myself healed from childhood wounds and self-hate. I feel confident, self-loving and content in my own body for the first time of my life. I love myself exactly as I am: soft, curvy and happy.
That was me 2012

That was me 2012

That was me 2014

That was me 2014

That's me now, 2015 starring as Russian Ice Skating Princess

That's me now, 2015 starring as Russian Ice Skating Princess

 

If I had kids…

Teens can be insecure. Don't feed into that.

Teens can be insecure. Don't feed into that.

If I had kids, there is one thing I would give them on their way: confidence. I would let them know that their worth is not depending on the amount of twitter, tumbler, instagram, facebook, pinterest or snapchat followers, “friends” or likes. I would tell them they are worthy, even if they mess up in school, do things I don’t like them to do, are lazy, smelly, rebellious, messy or just in puberty. I would encourage them to love themselves the way they are. Tell them that they could improve without trying to become a completely different person, because the person they already are is an amazing, unique, creative, intelligent human being. I would encourage them to dream big, learn lots, to be kind and tolerant. If you have kids, especially if you struggle with confidence yourself, try not to show it to them. Don’t say how bad you feel about yourself, don’t let them see you dieting and crying over a dress that doesn’t fit you anymore. Be the happy, content, loving person you would like your child to grow into. Because that’s probably what happens, even if you can’t see it right now.
Offer healthy food

Offer healthy food

If they eat too much, don’t tell them how fat they are going to be if they continue to stuff food into their mouth. All that you are teaching them is, that they are “not ok”, “not loveable”, if they are not “the norm”, bigger than some other kids. Instead, you do the work: Offer them lots of sweet fruits like grapes, bananas, melon, apples and cook healthier without telling them. Encourage them to do more sporty activities without mentioning weight loss. Don’t make it a big deal and it won’t be. No, I haven’t got kids myself and I know it’s far more complex and difficult when you are in a situation yourself. But if you just apply a few of those things, you might already turn their thinking, their beliefs and possibly their life around. I would say it’s worth a try. And if you haven’t got kids, like me, make yourself that child.    

He loves me, he loves me not

Is it love?

How to find the right partner? First, find out what you really want. If you like red, don't go for blue. It's up to you! :)

There is love and there is passion. Best case, you have both in a relationship. Worst case, there is only passion. And only love can be pretty boring too… That a guy likes to have sex with you, doesn’t tell you anything. Except that he likes to have sex with you. You might think of your body being wobbly, fat and unattractive. And you think he must be really into you, if he likes to have sex with you. But it could also be that he gets turned on by big bums and is simply into chubby girls. Of course it is great to have a sexual experience with somebody who absolutely loves your body. But that is nothing compared to a sexual experience with somebody who loves your soul too. How can you differentiate? Like everybody else: - Is he caring? - Does he treat you in a loving and friendly way? - Is he a good friend? - Does he listen? - Is he there for you when you need him? - Does he make you feel good? - Do you have things in common? - Did he introduce you to his friends? If you can tick most of the boxes, it’s looking good! And what if he tells you he loves you but wants you to lose weight? Unless you are not ill and he is seriously worried about your health, send him into hyperspace! Look, that is not real love. Just think of it the other way round: If you like a quiet, sensitive man, why would you be with a loud and outgoing guy? And wish for him to be different? That doesn’t make sense. First find out what you want and what you need in a relationship. Be honest with yourself. If you are open to love, you will find a loving partner. One who loves you not because you are big, not despite you being big, but because of you.