How to find the right partner? First, find out what you really want. If you like red, don't go for blue. It's up to you! :)
There is love and there is passion. Best case, you have both in a relationship. Worst case, there is only passion. And only love can be pretty boring too… That a guy likes to have sex with you, doesn’t tell you anything. Except that he likes to have sex with you. You might think of your body being wobbly, fat and unattractive. And you think he must be really into you, if he likes to have sex with you. But it could also be that he gets turned on by big bums and is simply into chubby girls.
Of course it is great to have a sexual experience with somebody who absolutely loves your body. But that is nothing compared to a sexual experience with somebody who loves your soul too. How can you differentiate? Like everybody else:
- Is he caring?
- Does he treat you in a loving and friendly way?
- Is he a good friend?
- Does he listen?
- Is he there for you when you need him?
- Does he make you feel good?
- Do you have things in common?
- Did he introduce you to his friends?
If you can tick most of the boxes, it’s looking good!
And what if he tells you he loves you but wants you to lose weight?
Unless you are not ill and he is seriously worried about your health, send him into hyperspace!
Look, that is not real love. Just think of it the other way round: If you like a quiet, sensitive man, why would you be with a loud and outgoing guy? And wish for him to be different? That doesn’t make sense. First find out what you want and what you need in a relationship. Be honest with yourself. If you are open to love, you will find a loving partner. One who loves you not because you are big, not despite you being big, but because of you.
Some of you might be single. In fact, many beautiful men and women are single. For many different reasons. In your case, it's a no brainer - it's because you're big (= un-loveable). But in reality it might have more to do with not loving yourself. Being afraid of rejection, being hurt. Afraid of getting really close to somebody. As soon as you become your best friend however (and your most loving lover), you will attract people into your life who reflect that. You can have a great, loving relationship too. But you have to love yourself first.
Everything else is a struggle. For you and for your partner.
Imagine your boyfriend tells you how beautiful he thinks you are. You think he must be kidding, must be blind. You might not let him touch you, because you feel so insecure. You are under permanent inner stress, because you fear you are not good enough and could lose him. If he wants to go out with his friends, you are afraid he could find somebody better (because you are not worthy of his love). You might try to control and manipulate. Jealousy, stress and tension builds up and he might soon have enough. "See, he didn't love me!" you cry. But he did. You just couldn't believe it. You didn't love yourself. Start with loving yourself first.
Watch this video. And you will see that if you have no boyfriend, you don't need one
right now. And as soon as you love and appreciate yourself, you will attract someone who loves you too. And that time round, you can actually believe it. ;)
Byron Katie and some cute girl are discussing self-love
Do you know how it feels when you feel disgusted by your own body? It is as if it’s not a part of you. All the anger, fear, hate and pain you feel inside, you project onto your body. Onto being big and you call yourself disgusting, fat, useless, worthless, ugly, horrible and stupid.
I remember having fantasies about cutting fat off my tummy and hips with scissors.
I am not the only one, many girls and women feel like that. And you might be shocked or one of them.
there is a way out!
For the longest time I can remember I was obsessed with losing weight. I tried every diet on the planet. I found a diary from when I was 13 and I thought the boy I fancied would never like me because I was “so fat”. That was when I started my first real diet, one of hundreds that never had any effect other than me obsessing more and more about food and my body, losing some weight and gaining even more after.
I had my first real boyfriend when I was 17 and during that time it all calmed down a little, mainly because he loved me like I was. My body was still an issue for me, but dealing with family issues, finally living on my own and finding a career etc. took center stage at that time. It really started getting bad about 4 years later, when we split up. He had a new girlfriend and I couldn’t get over it for a long time. I found the reason very quickly – of course I wasn’t loveable. Certain childhood issues like feeling abandoned and not feeling loved/right got initiated. That’s probably when the self hate started to become really obvious and obsessing over my body and losing weight became the center point of my life.
I had always heaps of really good friends. And I felt accepted. I was popular, a good friend, intelligent, had a “pretty face”. I was funny, entertaining, a good listener, communicator, writer, saw a challenge and went for it. My confidence was good. But I almost felt as if I consist of my head only, I had no connection with my body. I avoided the mirror at all costs, that way I could keep up that kind of confidence.
I knew other big girls. All of them struggled with their weight and had insecurities. But nobody hated their body like I did. For a long time I thought I was the only one. I could not understand how you could be a big girl and still love your body. Some of them were my best friends and I loved them dearly. But I could not get it into my head that somebody could love me
, being so disgusting and fat and ugly.
The insecurity about my body always held me back. I was invited to a party, tried on 100 things, saw myself fat as a balloon and held hate speeches in my head about how ugly, fat and horrible I looked. I spiraled into such bad mood and deep sadness that I ended up not going. I never went to the beach or swimming pool. I didn’t allow many boys to get close, out of fear they would want to see and feel me naked one day. I had some short-ish relationships, it never worked out. I could not accept that anybody would love me like I was, and of course that always killed it. Strange world I stuck in.
There is definitely a way out, I know because I am out of it. It didn't help that everybody said I was beautiful, I couldn't see it. Here are some of the things that helped:
- I learned to change my view on what's really important in life.
- I had to look at my childhood issues and accept who I am.
- Knowing that there were others who felt the same.
- I stopped reading women's magazines.
- Sitting in a cafe looking at women passing by, realising that most of us are "imperfect".
- Looking at pictures of other big girls frequently.
- Having sex with men who prefer big girls.
I eventually learned to love myself and accept my body.
just get out
You can be confident and feel good about yourself - how you look, your job, about being a good friend, being creative - and still don't feel worthy. Confidence is more about what you can do. Your abilities and how you interact with the world. Self-worth is connected to self-love. It goes much deeper. That’s why you can be confident and still lack self-worth. If you feel worthy, your confidence is usually up too. That’s because if you love yourself and know you are worthy of all the good things in life, chances are you believe in yourself and your abilities.
Are you confident?
Do you like yourself in the mirror?
Do you know you are a good friend?
Can you speak in front of your friends without feeling awkward?
Do you laugh out loud when you find something funny?
Can you speak in front of your class?
Do you complain in a restaurant if something isn’t right?
- You are probably confident.
How about your self-worth?
Do you know you deserve the best?
Are you surrounded by people who love and accept you for who you are?
A major question (and I think here it really shows):
Are you with the right guys?
If you always end up in unhealthy relationships - with boys that are messing around with you: cheaters, timewasters, guys who are not really into you, you might feel deep inside you are not good enough, not loveable.
Here is the truth:
worth it. You are
good enough. You are
loveable. You are
worth loving. You deserve
a loving relationship. You deserve
Look in the mirror and say to yourself:
I am worth it. I am good enough. I am loveable. I am worth loving. I deserve a loving relationship. I deserve being happy.
Go on, DO IT! I know it seems daft at first. But if you do it for a while, it will change you. It’s not saying
it, that does the change. But because you look at yourself and say it (as if it was true), your mind starts working on it. And that will bring the awareness and the change. I know it does, I experienced it myself.
How about you, are you feeling worthy?
Of course all that positive programming and changing of attitude doesn't instantly solve all your problems. You can't just say "I love myself now" and you suddenly do. It's a long process. And there will be setbacks.
Where it always showed in my life, was in relationship with guys. I always went for the bad boys, the ones that didn't show much interest. Who were obviously not into me. Or couldn't give me the emotional support I needed. I don't understand why, maybe because I am more used to the feeling of not being loved, than being loved.
Maybe these "wannabe" relationships are there so we are always reminded that we have to love ourselves so much that we can let go of everybody who doesn't. On a very philosophical level I believe we meet the people who are right for us in that particular moment. To show us who we are. And sometimes they might see what we refuse to see - that we are not a good match. Maybe they see how amazing we are, and they not on the same level. Whilst we torture ourselves thinking we are not good enough.
I recently read somewhere that a man has to see himself in his woman in order to understand the world. Maybe he doesn't see himself in us, because we are beyond his comfort zone.
I think that, not because I'm arrogant, but because when I distance myself from those guys for a while and look back, I see that they weren't better. Not even on the same level, but usually somewhere below what I should have gone for. Should go for, in order to have a healthy, equal, loving, supporting relationship.
What about you? Do you go for bad boys? Or do you find yourself in mutual loving relationships?